Previously when others would ask how I was doing, with bags under my eyes and a little chuckle, I would describe myself as being exhausted.
But now, I realize I was wrong. So wrong. Exhausted doesn't begin to cover where I am right now. And this is only the beginning.
All day he screams.
All night he screams.
And I'm left feeling helpless. I'm left feeling like I'm failing.
In my current sleep-deprived state I find myself thinking:
Why can't I figure out how to make it better?
Am I hurting him somehow?
What's causing this?
Natural Sleep regression?
Teething?
Acid reflux/gas/stomach problems?
A combination of them all?
I know he is tired and frustrated too. Sometimes I cry with him.
We took him to the doctor earlier this week to get checked out because for the last week he has gone from sleeping 6-7 (even 8 or 9 on some nights) hours straight to waking up every hour and a half. And when he wakes up, he SCREAMS like he is scared, or hurt. It jolts Micah and me awake instantly and fills us with panic.
While I'm happy to report that he is medically just fine (no ear infections, no signs of infection or flu or RSV or anything nasty that's going around right now) we are still left back where we started.
The doctor upped his acid reflux medicine, but I don't think that's the problem. I've been reading that many babies go through a sleep regression at 4, 6, 9, and 12 months. He never went through regression at 4 months, but now at almost 7 months, I'm thinking that is probably what we are going through.
I hope this is the cause. It's encouraging! It gives me something to hold onto. He is developing and learning so many new things right now. (He learned to clap earlier this week, but hasn't quite figured out when it's appropriate. For instance, he was clapping while he was crying earlier and it made me laugh a little bit)
I guess for the time being I will just continue looking like a druggie/someone coming down off of a night of drinking and partying.
- Not a trace of makeup on my face
- Eyes red, bloodshot, and swollen
- A headache that has lasted for a month
- Knowing I didn't shower yesterday or today, and desperately trying to remember if I showered the day before or not...
- Frustrated that I can't get motivated to lose my baby weight
- Feeling horrible about myself because I can't get motivated to lose the baby weight.
I think this might be my first real attempt at writing down a real thought in the last 7 months. I'm sure I'll look back and realize I didn't make any sense, but for now, I'll be happy to maybe create a window into how I'm really doing.
Everyone says "it gets better", and I absolutely believe you. I have already experienced the joy of hearing 'mama', his laughter, seeing his eyes light up when he sees me, and I look on with pride as he throws his toys across the room and screams a scream of excitement.
I've never done this before. And I wouldn't be doing this now if God hadn't decided it was time for a little surprise in our lives.
I'm making 'mistakes' already.
I know I'm not the only new mom feeling this way.
I know that the years are short, even when the days are long.
I know I'm supposed to cherish each moment. Even that lip that's been busted 3 times now because he throws a tantrum in the middle of rocking/being put to sleep and flings his head into my jaw.
I'm doing my best.
And at the end of the 1,289 hour long day, I remind myself of this:
I have the best, God-given, blessing.
He is healthy.
He is adorable.
He teaches me new things every day.
...And I have the privilege of being his momma.
At the end of the day, I'm grateful to be exhausted.
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